Why Grocery Shopping is THE WORST!!

This week on Mamalogues we are discussing every Mama's favorite topic:

GROCERY SHOPPING WITH YOUR wonderful CHILDREN!!! 

(....and why you should have just left them at home.)

                     

Here is our detailed list of why we - and by "we" we mostly mean Dani - can't stand Grocery Shopping with children:

Taking my kids grocery shopping always seems like a good idea at first.  Because sometimes they are not that awful...Exhibit A:

And because of times like the above, I'll tell my husband, "I don't mind, I'll take them with me." Sounds harmless, right??? Careful what you wish for, Mama, because the road to hell is paved with good intentions. And this may come as a surprise, but there is actually no one at the grocery store who hands out awards to the best behaved child or most patient mama...because SPOILER ALERT: None of those two things exists. (At least not all of the time.)

The drama always starts in the car. One kid dropped Elmo on the floor and is having a tantrum because he can't reach it. The other has announced that they "have to pee" after being told 500 times to go before we left! Nothing makes me crazier than having to take two children into the disgusting bathrooms at the grocery store. Call me crazy, but can't I have ONE trip to the grocery store with out visiting the nauseating bathroom? Is that too much to ask????

Somehow I always find the shopping cart with the busted wheel. I don't know how or why, but I have a knack for not only finding the world's crappiest cart, but because I'm in such a rush to get out of there as fast as I got in there, I have lowered my standards to the squeaky and unruly carts.  And then the fight about who gets to sit where in the cart begins. Is it not bad enough that I have to dance with this shopping cart because it can't move in a straight line? You think I also want to explain to you for the 20,000th time why two children can't fit in the top of the cart? But I digress....

It's super annoying that no one can keep their hands to themselves. Never did I ever think I'd have to do a "hand check" before the teen years, but my children can't seem to control their little hands in the store. I'm pretty sure that before we enter the store, they've made some sort of "let's drive mom crazy" agreement in the back seat of my car. "I'll grab the candy, and while I'm doing that, you throw the waffles on the floor as a distraction. It will be epic! She'll never see it coming!" And then everyone is laughing but mommy.

Why is it that strangers just don't get it that I have no desire to engage in conversation while also trying to keep my toddler who acts like a drunk frat boy inside the shopping cart?? It's not a coincidence that in the last aisle I dodged your smile as you passed me.  It's because if I look away from this boy for one second to talk to you, in the next few seconds he will be standing up and about to do his next trust fall to his older sister down below who, by the way, has yet to catch him. 

Also, can we do away with stickers at the check out line? Because let me tell you something. I feel like I just escaped a battle ground from fighting with these two, and your're rewarding them with stickers because???? Why?? Remind me again?? Because you enjoy seeing me peel them off of the back of my seats? Because you find it amusing that they've placed them on their clothing where I won't see it before it goes in the washer and then after that find them in my dryer in a million pieces? Enough already!!

And of course it never fails that it's 1,000 degrees outside when we have to re-enter the car after a long grocery shopping battle royale.  I'm already sweating from the circus that just happened inside the store. And now I've got my youngest fighting me to get into his car seat and the other one whining about how it is "too hot"! Every. Single. Time. Getting them in the car, along with the groceries, is my own personal hell.  And once we are in the car the grand inquisition begins about when they can have their treats. They have the incredible ability of forgetting the torture they just put me through, and act shocked and surprised when I reveal to them that no treats are being offered after the nightmare that has just occurred.

So in conclusion, Mama, may we suggest you just leave the kids behind next time? Trust us, eye brow dreams do not come true. We know this first hand. Watch the episode featured in this blog post to laugh (and maybe cry) along with us!!